


The Everthere

by selkieskin



Category: Our Skyy (TV) RPF, Thai Actor RPF, ทฤษฎีจีบเธอ | Theory of Love (TV) RPF, รุ่นพี่ Secret Love | Senior Secret Love (TV) RPF
Genre: Ambiguous Relationships, Angst and Feels, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Best Friends, Canon Compliant, Coming Out, Developing Friendships, Developing Relationship, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fake/Pretend Relationship, Feelings Realization, First Meetings, Flashbacks, Friends to Lovers, Friendship/Love, Internal Conflict, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Minor Character Death, Personal Growth, Pining, Pre-Relationship, Relationship Negotiation, Slow Burn, Touching
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-28
Updated: 2020-12-28
Packaged: 2021-03-10 18:54:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,433
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28382034
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/selkieskin/pseuds/selkieskin
Summary: Gun falls asleep on Off after they come back from a publicity event. With Gun there, Off thinks about their relationship over the years, and wonders what it all means in the end - is it work, or is it real?
Relationships: Off Jumpol Adulkittiporn/Gun Atthaphan Phunsawat
Comments: 3
Kudos: 71





	The Everthere

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you so much to the YouTube video ‘OffGun Iconic moments every new Babii should know’ by Kiwi Babii, because that helped me with much of the events of this fic, and I’ve taken some of the dialogue from an interview you can find with English subs in the YouTube video ‘Engsub (offgun) how far their relationship’ by ve_OGBW SHINee. All of the public stuff happened (not necessarily in the right order…) while the private stuff is imagined.
> 
> Please note that this fic does reference that Gun's mother died in one part. If that is a problem for you, this is just a heads-up. Stay safe x

It hadn’t even been much of a shock, in the end, when Off’s girlfriend Mook broke up with him - he’d been so busy, and the spark had been missing for quite a while. He felt it, she felt it, it was just the way it was. Nothing really that dramatic or life-altering.

And it wasn’t that he had no interest in dating anyone else, but the spark just never seemed to be there with anyone else either. He’d been essentially single for over a year, and he didn’t mind. He would probably get some reporters quizzing him about that the way they always did at these events, but he was pretty well-practiced at deflecting all that now.

“Papii!” came the familiar voice, and he automatically opened his arm to pull his incoming co-star and onscreen partner to his side, feeling a familiar arm snake around his back in return. Gun was looking dapper, dressed in a suit that really fit him well (unlike most of his other clothing), hair done and lipstick perfect, smiling. Gun was always more excited for these events than he was - Off liked to entertain, but was much more of a homebody at heart. “You ready?”

He couldn’t help the fond smile back, glad there was someone with him. 

“Ready, you?”

“Ready.”

And, still attached to one another, they stepped out into the sea of photographers and fans together.

\----

It hadn’t started out this way. The Off that first met Gun wouldn’t have thought that having a boyfriend - real or fake - was even a possibility for him. He doesn’t have many memories of their first meeting, at a merit-making ceremony when he was new to GMMTV, because it simply didn’t seem that important to him at the time - he recognised him of course, Gun had been acting since he was a kid and Off appreciated his skills, but Off was there with people he already knew and so they’d probably exchanged some small talk and then drifted back to people they were more comfortable around. 

He remembers knowing he was short, but still being surprised at just how short he was. And that was all.

\----

That night, Gun and Tay both came round to his place after the event, to watch a movie. Gun showered and changed into some of his more usual clothes as soon as he got in. He was so tired, though - he’d been working until late into the night recently, and so he just snuggled up against Off’s side, eyelids growing heavier and heavier until he was just asleep, snoring very softly. 

Off pressed his cheek against the top of Gun’s head, hand holding him there by the dip in his waist. By now, it was so well-practiced it was almost second nature.

“Do you still tell everyone that you’re single?” Tay asked, trying to seem casual, looking at them both.

“I _am_ single,” Off replied, “but… no.”

Tay frowned a little, before deliberately turning back to the movie.

“OK.”

\----

When they got put together in Puppy Honey, they still didn’t click. Off had never liked people touching him, and Gun was very touchy, to the point where Off assumed he must be actually gay, but he didn’t feel comfortable asking him about it directly at that point - he just kind of moved himself further and further back instead. He didn’t really know how to react to Gun’s attempts at affection either beyond just cringing and shrugging him off, even though he knew the fans would expect more. He couldn’t fake it like that.

Once he even snapped at him for keeping on touching him when he was hot and tired from a run and they ended up having a proper shouting match at each other. It was two days before they spoke to each other again.

They chatted on set sometimes, about all sorts of things, but Off still felt uneasy. He wasn’t homophobic, but he’d only ever known gay people from afar, and just didn’t know where the boundaries were. He was trying to treat Gun like a normal guy, but Gun wasn’t acting like a normal guy, so… where did that leave them?

\----

The movie ended, and after turning the sound right down to chat quietly about the ending over the credits, Tay sighed, getting up and stretching.

“I’ll let myself out,” he said.

“No, it’s OK, I can-”

“Come on man, don’t wake him,” Tay interrupted softly. “We could both see how tired he’s been. Let him sleep.”

Off looked down at Gun, asleep and trusting in his arms. Tay was right - he couldn’t disturb him now.

“Are you sure?”

“Yeah, of course - I don't live far anyway.”

Tay said his goodbyes quietly, and let himself out, the sound of the door shutting reverberating throughout the flat, and then… silence.

Except for Gun’s breathing.

Off suddenly realised he'd been left with a muted TV, no distractions, and the remote tantalisingly far away on the table. He mentally cursed Tay for trapping him like this. With nothing but his own thoughts and a sleeping Gun for company.

It was nice to listen to Gun's breathing, though. To just have him asleep, there.

When Off was by himself, things were simple. He was straight. With Gun, things were a little more complicated. It was hard when it was your day job, when almost every day was spent roleplaying as yourself… but yourself, with a boyfriend.

His heart was beating fast. He held himself as totally still as he could, so that Gun wouldn’t wake, and he wouldn’t have to face… whatever this was. He didn't even know what this was.

\----

It wasn’t until all the promotion they were doing after Puppy Honey that they finally talked about it, just them, without being filmed.

They’d gone out for a meal together, and just had a livestream where Gun had called him ‘Papii’ in a sickly-sweet voice and tried to hold his hand but Off had protested and pulled away. Once the camera was off, Gun let out a long, frustrated sigh and turned to him.

“Can you at least act like you don’t hate it?” he asked, an undercurrent of anger in his tone, eyes fixed on Off.

Off squirmed uncomfortably, but still wasn’t willing to lie.

“I don’t think I can,” he admitted.

“What’s your problem?” demanded Gun.

“I don’t have a problem-”

“You clearly do.”

“I don’t.”

“Yes, you do. And we’ve got to work together, so we’ve got to fix it. Now, what’s your problem? Spit it out.”

“Nothing- I mean- I just- Gun, are you gay?”

Gun’s jaw dropped in shock for a split second before he did a quick glance around to check whether they were being listened in on by anyone else at the restaurant. Luckily, it all seemed clear. Gun met Off’s gaze.

“Yes. I am.” Gun was so sure, it made something in Off tremble. “So?”

“Then... don’t you think it’s weird? Doing all this?”

“Not for me.”

“You know what I mean, though, right?”

“Honestly? No, I don’t.” Gun was still leant forward, frustrated and angry at Off. “You don’t want to be successful? You can’t pick and choose, P’Off, not when there’s someone else involved here. I’m doing all the work - _all_ the work - to promote this series, and you’re fighting me and ruining it. You know what you signed up for. Don’t you get it?”

“But, aren’t you, I mean, doesn’t it get… complicated?”

“What do you mean?”

“I mean, um…” Off shifted, almost wanting to run away from this conversation, Gun still uncomfortably close to him. “I mean… I have a girlfriend.”

“Yes, I know.” Gun narrowed his eyes at him. “What, you think that me holding your hand - _for work_ \- is going to ruin that?”

“I mean… no?” Off felt out of his depth, leaning backwards away from the onslaught.

“I already answered your first question,” Gun said, quietly incensed yet careful, keeping his voice down in this public place. “However, that answer doesn’t mean I’m some kind of predator. That’s not what all people like me are. I’m doing what I’m doing to sell our series, not to split you up from your girlfriend, who you mention every fucking time I get too close like it’s some kind of magic talisman to ward off evil spirits. It’s tiring, frankly, it feels pretty damn prejudiced, and I’m sick of putting up with it.”

Off blinked in surprise. He was only trying to remind him whenever he did that, because sometimes it seemed like he forgot - he hadn’t realised how it could have come across, not until it was pointed out to him.

“Shit, I’m sorry, Gun… I hadn’t realised it came off like that. I genuinely hadn’t.”

“It’s fine,” said Gun, though he clearly wasn’t fine. “You’re not the worst case of… _this_ I’ve ever met. It’s just that you’ve got to work with me, and come on, I think you’re pretty great, and if you’d only unbend a little we could really make something of this. And people seem to really pick up on that potential. You know?”

“You… what?” Off was floored. “You really think that?”

“What, P’, seriously?” Gun gave him an incredulous look, and shoved him. “You haven’t noticed how much we have in common?”

He thought back to all of their conversations. He hadn’t really considered it before, but actually… even if he felt awkward, or didn’t really want to be there, they were still able to keep chatting about various topics throughout the shooting and events. They actually had more-or-less the same point of view on quite a few things, it was just that he’d never really framed it like that to himself before, because he was so intent on Gun not being like him. Because Gun was gay, and he was straight.

Huh. Maybe Gun had more of a point than he’d first thought.

Gun was shaking his head despairingly, starting to grin.

“Honestly, Papii,” - the nickname was back - “you’re your own worst enemy, you know? If we’re going to spend this much time together, we might as well become friends and have some proper fun together while we see where it goes, alright?”

Off found himself nodding, and really taking note of unpicking his own kneejerk response to the guy in front of him, to finally let him in. He looked at Gun’s face, and felt his own soften for the first time.

“Alright. I'll try.”

\----

Off’s face was certainly softening now. Gun was shifting a little in his sleep, burrowing his face deeper into Off’s neck. Off continued to hold him there, TV all but forgotten, holding him there like he’d always fit there, even pulling him in closer. 

Like it was no effort at all.

Like Gun’s soft lips resting against his neck were welcome.

\----

The neck kissing started because of their height difference. Off had taken note of what Gun said about Off making his job impossible, and just let himself be showered in affection without really reciprocating instead. Easiest for them both that way, and Off still didn’t have to pretend. He just held himself still whenever Gun threw his arms around his neck, and kissed the highest body part that he could reach - his neck.

The fans loved it. It had started to become their thing, and earnt them more and more attention.

He thought he was doing well. However, Gun came and spoke to him in the dressing room before an event one day, and well… Gun thought differently. He jumped to sit on a cabinet, legs swinging against the side as Off looked through the outfits.

“Why do you always freeze up?” he asked.

Off froze. Which probably only proved his point.

“I…” Off let out a frustrated sigh. “I’m trying my best. That lets you do what you need to do. Right?”

“It’s different,” Gun conceded, “and a little better, but… honestly Papii, sometimes you act like I’m holding you hostage or something.”

“Sorry,” said Off, once again. “I don’t mean to.”

“Then… is there anything I can do to help?”

Off pulled an unsure face, turning away a little to rifle through the outfits hanging on the stand, trying to let out some of that tense energy. He wasn't used to talking about his feelings like this.

“I’ve, um… never really liked people touching me, actually. It’s not just you.”

“Is there a reason why?”

“Nothing in particular. It’s just always been this way.”

“Then…” Gun got down from the cabinet, and stood in front of him, looking up at him. “Maybe you just need to practice?”

Off’s mouth went dry, looking at Gun’s lips for a second, and his heart started beating faster, from nervousness. He immediately looked away. He couldn’t meet Gun’s gaze.

“W-what?” he asked.

“Oi, Papii! Not like that, you pervert.” Gun slapped his arm and laughed at him, just a little. “I just mean… hug me, and try to get used to it?”

“Oh.” Off thought. Although he didn’t really like it… he could see how that made sense. “Now?”

“We can do. Do you need time to think about it?”

This was stupid. It was just a hug. What was there to think about? Off shook his head. 

“No, we can… we can hug now.”

Off could feel just how unbendable he was, even as Gun melted against him and gave him the kind of hug Off hadn’t had in years. 

His heart was still beating fast. Still feeling the aftershocks from what he’d thought Gun was asking earlier. He needed to fill the silence, in case Gun got the wrong idea.

“My girlfriend wouldn’t be happy about this,” he said. It wasn't even true any more - he'd asked her, and she said she liked it when he and Gun were cute together. She'd told Gun that, too.

“Shut up, Papii,” Gun scolded. “Just try and relax, OK? We’re gonna hug for a little while until you calm down about it.”

“OK,” Off agreed. “Yeah, it makes sense.”

“So,” Gun said, trying to make it seem casual, even with their bodies pressed together. “What did you have for lunch?”

\----

A cookery show had started to play on the TV, one of those late-night reruns. Off was hungry. He hadn’t eaten since dinner, trying to lay off the snacks a little bit and get more in shape.

He was regretting that now. His arms were both trapped by Gun, and he could see the rest of the crisps, just a few small leftovers in the bowl on the table. Gun and Tay had almost polished them off, but now there they were, taunting him. He couldn’t move though, couldn’t disturb his friend, frozen in place.

His stomach betrayed him anyway. It took that opportunity to rumble, and Gun’s hand that was resting on his stomach moved slightly, manicured fingers flexing against Off’s t-shirt fabric, before relaxing again.

Off let out a breath he hadn’t realised he was holding.

\----

They practiced. And practiced, and practiced. 

Basically any opportunity he could get, Gun was hanging off him, or sitting on his lap, or saying flirty lines to him. And Gun was right, that was exactly what Off had needed. He no longer felt so panicked whenever Gun touched him in public or private, because there was barely a time that Gun _wasn’t_ touching him.

And Off even started to return it, in his own way. Saying ambiguously flirty lines was easy - he barely needed to drop a hint, and the screams of the crowd would tell him when he hit the mark. And Gun made it so easy - he provided the setup sometimes, and he always reacted in exactly the right way, acting bashful so that the crowd got louder.

Eventually, Off got confident enough to start actively showing him affection back. It was often small things, jokey things, blowing him kisses and the like, but the way Gun reacted was predictable and cute and shy, and it made Off laugh. And the fans scream. They were growing more and more popular, and sometimes Off looked at his co-star and thought how lucky he was that he had somebody who knew how to work the crowd on his side. 

And it wasn’t nothing that that somebody was Gun Attaphan. He sometimes had to catch himself and just remember that. Gun was someone whose talents were so impressive and far above where Off was then, but someone who still wanted to work with him - him, specifically - despite his many faults.

\----

Off caught himself stroking Gun’s side with his thumb, where he still held him in the same position, tiny waist under his hand, always hidden by oversize t-shirts. A secret that only Off could feel. 

He knew that wasn’t literally true - they’d filmed a fully shirts-off shower scene for Puppy Honey, after all, complete with awkward touching, so everyone had definitely seen what Gun looked like already - but it gave him a rush, even so, to feel like he was the only person who held Gun’s waist this way for this long, who was this familiar with his dimensions. The person Gun trusted most.

Even if he’d started off being surprised at his height, now he couldn’t imagine it any other way. Back then, he’d been the star, Gun Attaphan, interesting but unreachable. Now, it was just Gun.

\----

It somehow became a thing that Off would make the effort to go out with Gun and his friends when it was Gun's birthday, and sometimes even when it wasn't. Nightclubs weren't Off's hangout of choice at all, but this was important to Gun, and so he went.

A couple of Gun's friends had seemed a little wary of Off at first, as if he was becoming Gun's actual partner rather than just his onscreen partner. As soon as they worked out that he was actually friendly and he cared about Gun, they started to warm to him.

Gun was turning 24. He was drunk and dancing, hands up above his head, empty paper cup forgotten in one hand. Off had been drinking a lot too, more than he had in a long time. He could feel it hitting him hard, so he'd made the excuse of going to the bar and left the dancefloor. He saw a miraculously unclaimed stool, and he sat on it and watched Gun and his friends dancing for a while, trying to enjoy the buzz.

After he'd been away long enough, he bought himself and Gun another drink - a cocktail in a tall plastic glass - and pushed through the crowd to get to him.

"Papii!" Gun said, gravitating towards him, ecstatic to see him. "You're here! You came back!"

"I'm here!" Off shouted back over the music. "Happy birthday! This is for you."

Gun threw his arms around Off's neck, hanging his whole weight off him, and Off nearly dropped the drinks, being pulled down so that Gun could reach his ear.

"What?" shouted Gun right into it, because he clearly hadn't heard.

"This is for you!" Off shouted again, trying to push the cocktail towards Gun even though his hands were way out of reach, wrapped round Off's neck.

"For me?"

"Yes!"

And Gun pulled Off's face round and planted a smacking kiss onto Off's lips, delirious with drunken happiness. Off just froze, shocked, panic fluttering in his chest.

"You're so good to me, Papii," he said. "So good, Papii!" He started leaning in again, and Off snapped back to his senses.

Off just prised Gun off him the best he could with drinks still occupying both his hands, and staggered backwards, the impact of what Gun had just done finally sinking in. Gun's friends were looking their way. Most were giggling.

"He's drunk!" one of them said to him.

"I know!" he yelled back. "I know."

And he kept dancing with them, avoiding Gun, but not running away. It was just like what they did for work. Gun was so drunk, he was probably confused. It was just a slip-up. This was fine.

The next day, an apologetic Gun phoned him to check he wasn't too freaked out.

"I was really drunk, Papii," he said.

"I know," Off replied. "I know."

\----

It really hadn't been any more than what it looked like. Not back then. Off didn't think so, anyway.

The way that Gun was all over him was innocent. It was for work, that was all. It was always innocent. 

His sleeping on Off like this was innocent, too. Trusting Off not to move. Off could feel his arm starting to go numb and his fingertips pricking with some pins and needles where he'd been holding Gun against his side in the same position for too long, but Off still didn't move, transfixed to the spot that Gun found the most comfortable. He couldn't disturb that, couldn't violate this trust by moving his arm away.

Gun had become such a precious person to him, he didn't mind enduring a little pain, just to make sure he was OK. To make sure that he slept peacefully on.

\----

What had happened to Gun's mum was devastating. Cancer was the scariest news, Off couldn't even imagine what it was like for him. All of a sudden he was seeing Gun less and less, as he spent more time with his family instead. They communicated by texts and phonecalls when he was away, but it wasn't the same. Gun grew out his hair as his mother lost hers, but she only got sicker as the year went on and got to the point where there wasn't any hope left.

Gun phoned him and told him the news a few days after the worst finally happened, incoherent with sadness. Off got upset too, hearing him so upset, but also remembering just how kind Gun's family had been to him during the times that they'd met. He stayed on the line with him for quite some time, standing in his kitchen, just listening to him cry through the speaker in his phone and saying empty reassurances back. There was nothing he could say to make it better, not really, and they both knew it.

Once they ended the call, he sank to the floor and just cried by himself. He hurt so much for Gun. Gun hadn't wanted him to go there, wanting some privacy with his family, but Off nearly disregarded all of that to go anyway - what use was a phonecall when he couldn't hold him together with his arms? This person, who he missed, who had somehow become so important to him?

When Gun finally returned to Bangkok, he turned up on Off's doorstep, hair newly shorn, looking exhausted and skinny and so in need of a hug.

Off flew to him and swept him up in his arms, but Gun stiffened into it for the first time and pushed him away with a hand.

"I just want things to be normal," he said, voice barely steady. 

Off took him upstairs and fed him some good food that night, and when Gun inevitably broke down again, Off held him anyway and rubbed his back as he cried.

\----

Off was rubbing his side now, gently, unconsciously chasing away some of those pins and needles, but also just to let out at least a tiny part of what he felt towards him. Gun was so precious to him, he never wanted to see him hurt like that again. He was full of admiration for Gun and his steely determination to carry on with his life, to still have fun and entertain, even on days where as soon as he was offstage he looked like he couldn't. Off wanted to be with him during his hard times, and make him smile during the good.

That was simple enough, wasn't it?

Gun was breathing deeply as he slept. The steady movement of his ribcage up, and down, was reassuring to Off. He was here. He was OK.

\----

Their popularity continued to grow, and as much as they pursued solo projects sometimes too, they were inextricably linked in the public eye. And seeing as Gun threw himself into his work even more now that he felt a responsibility to take care of his family, they were spending more time together than Off could ever remember spending with, well, anyone.

They filmed Puppy Honey series 2, were given their own series called OffGun Fun Night, followed by Our Skyy, and they were together almost every day modelling or promoting products as a couple. There were fanmeets in many different parts of Thailand, and even different countries, which led to them sharing hotel rooms - sometimes Off went days on end where he was in Gun's presence 24/7, where he forgot what it felt like to not have this guy plastered to his side, his lap, his neck, or wherever felt good that day. He found himself starting to really look forward to the affection from the other boy, rather than just tolerate it. 

Sometimes, they'd cuddle in bed. Not for the cameras, just for themselves. And it was weird that nothing felt weird when it came to Gun any more.

\----

Yes, nothing felt weird when it came to Gun any more. Off marvelled when he thought about how far they'd come. 

Sometimes - often - people would make comments about how close they were. There were BL couples that went further than they did, but for the most part they'd turn it on for work and turn it off again when they weren't being watched any more. Simple, professional.

But, just like this quiet moment here, for Off and Gun, this was a part of their regular lives, too. Off may have been an actor, but he would have been driven mad if he had to always switch it on and off all the time like that. This way was much better, simpler - right?

And losing moments like this? With Gun trusting him enough to sleep on him, feeling the other guy’s breath on his neck, feeling so, so close to him… he knew that not a lot of people worked the way that they did, but privately, he thought they were missing out.

\----

The first time he’d really stepped back and taken a good look at their dynamic in a new light was after an episode of OffGun Fun Night, of all things. It was his job as Gun’s fake boyfriend to act jealous about what Gun had done in his role in The Blue Hour with Oab. That much was obvious to Off.

Maybe it was all the years of practice leading up to that point, but it came naturally. Jibes at Oab, telling Gun he couldn't sit next to him, competing to get the questions right and prove he knew Gun inside out...

And afterwards, after he’d jokingly chased Oab out and it was time to do the product placement segment, he got swept up in the roleplay, in the moment, and grabbed a pillowcase to tie around Gun’s wrists.

Gun looked at him, a little scared by the improv, but he went along with it the way he always did. Falling to his knees to let Off tie him up. Perfect. The fans would like it, right?

Off rolled with it, and Gun even shoved him against the counter in return, bending him over to tie his apron, even with bound wrists, pushing back to show him that he had power here, too. But then, when Off turned around to continue:

“P’Off!” Gun said looking sideways at the camera crew, the noticeable absence of the flirty nickname ‘Papii’ stopping him in his tracks. “You haven’t been like this before…”

Off’s eyes widened slightly as he took a mental step back and looked at himself. At what he was doing, really doing here. And just tried to play it off subtly, come back to normal, continue the promo for the instant noodles.

 _But what’s normal for me now anyway?_ he wondered to himself.

But Off still had a girlfriend, then, so he pushed that aside and chalked it down to working too much. He and his girlfriend had a spontaneous date night that evening. He hadn't been spending enough time with her.

\----

It was natural to get caught up, when they were like this all the time. When you had a boyfriend, even a fake one, you had to guard them against all other people who might want to steal them away, right?

Gun hadn't had a boyfriend in all the time that Off had known him… or maybe he had, but just hadn't told Off? He didn't know how to feel about that. It was weird. He couldn't imagine Gun actually being with someone outside of their own fantasy couple world.

His grip tightened ever so slightly on Gun's hip, and he closed his eyes to feel Gun's breath tickle his neck. It almost made the hairs on the back of his neck stand up, it was so intimate.

It was normal to want this to yourself… right?

\----

Off and Mook broke up after seven years together, and somehow it hardly broke his stride. He was busy anyway. He and Gun were taking bookings left, right and centre, both together and individually.

He still made time for Gun, though. Even when he was tired or it was out of his way, he just enjoyed spending time with him, had started to need it. It felt weird if he went more than a day or two without Gun in his arms, kissing him on the neck, telling him about his day.

Once on Gun's birthday he'd accidentally taken a booking in Korat, 5 hours away from Bangkok, but he was determined to make it back. The rains didn’t help, delaying the train. He called everyone he knew to get Gun to stay on stage, and practically ran there.

Gun's face as he appeared at the entrance with a cake and lit candles was so worth it.

Afterwards he went out clubbing with Gun and his friends, the routine once-a-year gesture. Off still didn't like nightclubs, but he liked Gun enough to put up with it and give him a good time out. Once a year was nothing, really.

They got a whole new series together, Theory of Love. Even just from reading the script, it sounded like a good one - it was exactly the kind of story that would suit them. Off could play the clown, and Gun could flex his acting skills and bring the emotional devastation. It sounded perfect.

He bought Gun a watch that he knew he'd been coveting for quite some time. Gun was taken aback - sure, Off looked after him and bought him stuff sometimes, and fussed that he always spent too much on designer clothes and skin treatments for himself so of course he had to pay, but what Off paid for instead were usually meals out or other less expensive things, not like this. It was a limited edition Mickey Mouse Rolex, with a price tag of 150,000 baht. Gun just stared at it in shock for a few seconds. Off's heart sank - would he accept it? Would he think this was too weird?

"But Papii, this is too expensive!" Gun protested. "Thank you, but… you shouldn't have. Why…?"

"Without you coming to me all those years ago and telling me to wise up, I'd have never been able to afford this in the first place. Honestly Gun, you've been wanting this for such a long time, and this isn't even a part of what you've been worth in my life. You deserve it, so accept it."

Gun blushed, and after a few seconds, looked back up at Off.

"Papii…" he said, quiet and sincere. "I couldn't have done it without you. You've been the best person I've ever worked with. Thank you. Thank you so much." And Gun hugged him, hard, and Off's arm stayed around Gun's shoulders as he tried on the gift and looked up at him, excitedly.

When they filmed a scene for Theory of Love where Off's character, Khai, had to imagine himself on a date with Gun's character, Third, Khai asked Third what he wanted from the shop. 

It was pure Gun that looked back at him and deadpanned "Rolex" in a stupid voice.

Off nearly burst out laughing and ruined the take, but somehow kept going until they called "Cut!" and jumped on Gun, laughing and complaining at him.

"What was that?" he scolded, shaking him. "You're so ridiculous."

"Says you!"

\----

He smiled to himself in the darkness. The TV lights flickered, showing a late-night lakorn with some kind of gangster drama, but he wasn't even looking at the TV any more. He was looking down. At Gun.

From this angle, he could only really see the top of his head, his skinny arm and fingers loosely resting on Off's stomach, and his legs, folded up onto the couch.

His hair smelt of Off's shampoo. He'd had a quick shower when they got in, sweaty after a long day's work, getting the hair product of the day out.

It had dried soft and glossy. The lights from the TV gave him flickering highlights in the darkness, and Off watched it for a while. 

The combination of his shampoo and that underlying smell of Gun was so comforting. 

He took in a lungful of air, and then caught himself, letting it out slowly.

What was he doing?

\----

Off had been on a dating show, once. They'd booked him and he had no reason to say no - he was single, after all, and nobody really expected a real relationship to come from it anyway. Work was work. He had a fun time filming it, and the girl was nice, though it didn't really go beyond the show.

When it aired he watched it with Gun, at work, as work. GMMTV staff were around to help film them. Bad idea. He should never have mixed the two.

Gun was acting really nervous for some reason, squirming and giving an uncomfortable laugh, even on camera for their social media, which wasn't like him. He always acted professionally on camera.

Off felt a creeping sense of dread. Wouldn't he be acting the same way if he was watching a reality show of Gun hooking up with some guy? He wanted to turn it off, all of a sudden. Put a stop to all this and pretend it never happened. But he couldn't. This, too, was work.

Afterwards, when the show ended, Gun climbed on top of him and wrapped his arms around him, burying his face in Off's neck and just clinging onto him along his whole length, scrunching his face up.

Off felt terrible. There was an elephant in the room, and he didn't know how to talk about it, or fix it.

He thought about apologising, but then where would that lead? It would be like admitting something was wrong, wouldn’t it? It was going so well, he didn't need to rock the boat now, did he? He'd have to start dating again sometime. This was OK. He'd had a girlfriend for years and it didn't affect what he had with Gun. A new one wouldn't either, right? This was just a change, for them. They just needed to get used to it.

Suddenly, he became aware of the camera again. This would all be going on their social media. He smiled and tried to play it off as just a cute moment between them, something digestible for the fans.

"Gun," he whispered. "Camera."

Gun jolted back to himself and pasted on a smile.

Gun acted even more childish and clingy than usual for the rest of that day, playing it up, not leaving his lap, and they made a lot of cute moments for social media. The fans loved it. Everything was fine.

\----

That elephant had never left the room. Not really. Off could joke around, and ignore it, but it only seemed to grow and grow in his mind.

He still didn't know what it meant. It felt enormous. It felt terrifying. But still, he kept joking around, kept refusing to look at it.

It was just the way they were, after all. Easy to confuse work and real life when your life and work were the same.

The fans would love what was happening here, at night, on Off’s couch, with Gun asleep. If only somebody was around to get a picture of it. He'd bet Gun would look so cute.

His grip tightened, almost imperceptibly.

\----

Theory of Love was such a fun series to film. Off really tried hard to put in a performance worthy of Gun's acting abilities, and the fact that they were together every day on set was just a massive bonus.

Well, that and as many sponsored Snack Jacks, Masita, and Est Cola as they'd ever want to eat.

It was somehow both strange and not strange at all to film kiss scenes again. They'd kissed plenty of times since, for game shows and fanmeets, that one time Gun was drunk, plus Gun's usual kisses on Off's neck, but never as a proper romantic kiss. Even for Puppy Honey, what they did barely counted as a kiss, and Off had felt so uncomfortable at the time it had taken them multiple tries to even get the light lip touch it ended up as.

Now, it was easy to look at Gun's lips and lean in towards them. Easy to feel the smooth glide of Gun's lips against his. Even easy to open his mouth and slide his tongue in, just like a real kiss-

"Cut!" shouted the director, interrupting them. "That was too much. This isn't an adult show, you need to think romantic - romantic!"

They both apologised, hands together, and turned back to each other.

The next time, they took it slowly. And when Gun pulled away, Off chased his mouth for a moment before catching himself.

Off's heart was beating hard. He was so in-character. He was really proud of himself. This was going to be the best acting he'd done in years.

\----

What was acting, and what was real? His heart was beating hard now, but he wasn’t even acting. Why was he starting to panic? 

It had become easier to have Gun by his side than to exist without him there. That much was certain. 

But… in what way? As his partner? As his friend? As his work colleague? How far could that go? 

If he let himself admit that he wouldn’t mind kissing him in real life, too… what did that mean about Off? Wasn’t it just that he was too used to it, had had too much practice, was using this as a substitute until a real relationship came along? He was still straight, right? What if he talked to Gun about this and then realised it didn’t mean… what he secretly suspected it meant?

What would Gun say to a talk like that anyway? What did that mean for their career? What would their families say? What would the press say?

\----

“Let’s say the path is 100 metres long. How far in metres are your feelings towards each other now?”

The reporter sat in front of them, leaning forward. The bright lights behind the cameras made it hard to see her clearly, but she was leaning forward, waiting for an answer.

Off looked at Gun. Gun looked at Off. Off answered first, deliberately taking the question as being about a relationship of any kind. There was no need to feel like friendship was any less close than a relationship. And he was closer to Gun than to anyone, so… 

“More than 100. I don’t think there’s anything that makes me dislike him. I don’t have any reason why I’d hate him, or think badly towards him. That’s why I give him all I have.”

The host laughed a little, as if she’d caught them.

“Wait, wait! We meant the path to a lover, though.” Of course she did.

“…I’d say 50 metres then. The only thing missing is me taking care of him.”

That was a lie, and they both knew it, and so did the interviewer, and probably anyone who’d be watching this kind of interview too. Gun corrected him, knowing that it was way too obvious. Or was he still just playing up to the image of them as an imaginary couple? Off didn’t even know anymore.

“You do that sometimes, though,” he said matter-of-factly, and looked directly at Off as he said it. “If we’re talking about being in a relationship, there are things that we’ve done in that remaining 50%.”

It was true, wasn’t it? Why was Off feeling so anxious about Gun answering that way? He needed to calm down. This was Gun. And Gun was just telling the truth - nobody could look at their relationship and honestly say they didn’t sometimes treat each other like… like… 

Off turned back to the interviewer. He was feeling sentimental today, and just talked.

“But that 50 metres is still a lot,” he said, trying to reframe it again. He fidgeted, and looked at his nails. “We’ve been together for 3 or 4 years now, and we’ve grown more mature during that time. We’ve learnt so many things on the way, and we’re still growing up together.”

Gun was looking at him, while Off still resolutely didn’t look back. 

“And Gun, your answer?” the interviewer prompted.

“I’d say 50 metres as well,” Gun responded immediately, his head swinging back round to face her. Off slowly turned to watch him as he continued. “Actually… what couples do is spend lots of time together, and we do all of that too. Go and do this or that, watch a movie, have a meal together, blah blah blah…”

Gun was trying to make it sound light, but it wasn’t to Off. It was just true. And then Gun said, as if it was a joke:

“The only thing left is asking ‘well, let’s date’!”

“Right, right,” said Off, trying to play it like he was relaxed, like this was fine, but to dig himself out of this hole. This was too much. He wasn’t really like that, this wasn’t supposed to be that sort of interview, it felt too serious. “It’s, it’s not like one of us has to ask the other out on a date, or anything like that. It’d be better to just keep on treating each other well, like this.”

The interviewer smiled at them both, aware of the vibe going on between them.

“Then ask him out!” she said, and the directness shocked them both into laughing.

What could Off even say to that? He said the first thing that came to his head.

“Not now!” He kept laughing, and tried to turn it back on the interviewer. “Why are you so good at shipping?”

\----

This was more than 50 metres. This was much more than 50 metres. He’d known it in that interview, and he knew it now. What more was there? How much further could they really go? What number was really the line between friendship, and… something else?

It was easy, now, to have Gun always by his side. For him to be the person he always talked to first about things, to be hugged or kissed by him, to hold his hand in his own…

…After all, had he ever even treated his girlfriend with so much care and affection?

He tried to remember a time when she slept on him and he didn’t dare move. It had happened before, way back in the early days of their relationship, maybe. It’s just that over time their relationship got too everyday, no longer fun, just what they were accustomed to. It was like they’d lost interest in each other, and had to really try to keep the spark alive. They’d made the effort of course, but once it was lost, they could never really manage to bring that spark back.

He had to try with Gun too, though. But with Gun… the trying didn’t feel like hardship. Work could be exhausting, of course, but the two of them alone like this, with no cameras, no pressures?

Maybe it had become easy for Off to be by Gun’s side, too.

\----

It was the final day of shooting for Theory of Love. And it was time to shoot the last scene.

The blocking for the scene was pretty straightforward. They had to finish a special updated Third Day film review as the successful adults their characters had become, Khai would pretend to turn the camera off and then kiss Third on camera, and he had to notice and get mad at Khai. The end!

Even Off could tell there was something missing for the scene. Why wouldn’t Khai kiss Third again at the end? That’s what he’d do. Ending on an argument was… well, it’d be a shame.

So when they ran the scene, and Gun delivered what was supposed to be Third’s final line:

“I won’t let you kiss me again!”

Off just leant in and replied the final line of the series:

“Do you think you can get away? No one can see us now. You can’t get away from me.” He couldn’t stop there. It didn’t feel right. He grabbed onto Gun’s arm, going off-script. “Come here, Third.”

Third’s face changed to Gun’s, looking suddenly unsure whether he should laugh in the situation, almost corpsing on camera. Off, as Khai, felt a sudden urge to be closer, and despite Gun’s little noise of protest, pushed him over on to his back as Gun half-laughed, half-whined in his throat at the unexpected attack. “Come here,” Off repeated. “You won’t get away.”

Gun tried to cover those full lips with his hands for a moment, but at a look from Off, he started to push back on Off’s chest instead, still making surprised little noises in his throat. 

“Mm?” came the sound from Gun, and Off kissed his lips. Just a kiss, lips to lips.

He looked down at Gun's beautiful face, on the edge of laughter, on the edge of… something else that made Off's gaze flick down to his mouth.

“Mm?” Again. This noise was higher-pitched, and so Off leant down to kiss him again, and again, and again, planting a series of loving pecks to those full lips while Gun just lay beneath him, letting him. Off hoped that the character Third could feel it. How happy Khai was to have him. How lucky he was to have a relationship like this.

\----

“Mm?” came a noise from Gun, as he finally stirred, interrupting Off’s memories. His heart had been beating fast already from remembering the feeling of being Khai and kissing Third, and his heart started beating faster as Gun’s eyes slid open and he realised that if Gun looked up at him, really looked, he’d be able to see the confusion and the blurred lines written all over Off’s face. 

"Where's Tay?" his voice was creaky still from sleep.

"Oh, he, um, he went home."

"How long ago?"

Off checked the clock on the wall. Shit, had it really been that long? His heart beat even harder.

"...Hours ago."

And Gun looked up at him, and Off knew that this wasn’t something he could explain as platonic. And he was terrified by what Gun might see in his face. But he couldn’t look away.

\----

It was after that onscreen kiss that the way he talked about Gun also changed. He looked at his behaviour and realised he needed to do everything he could not to lose him, needed to become someone that Gun always wanted around like this. He’d realised, at last, that he'd been taking Gun for granted and not appreciating just how good he had it. Gun, who always looked out for him. Gun, who had always stayed by his side. Gun, who he trusted with more about him than anyone else.

Gun, who had changed his life.

\----

Off’s heart was beating hard, as he looked down at Gun. His face felt hot. He knew it was obvious, just from the way Gun was looking at him. And he was terrified of what that might mean. He looked down at Gun’s lips, and then back at his eyes.

“Gun, listen, if I… if I ask to… to try something, just try it and see… can I?”

Gun pulled himself up so that their faces were closer, and then hovered there, looking at Off looking at his lips. He licked his lips, and Off watched that soft pink tongue dart out and moisten the plump flesh, and what did this mean? What were his feelings really doing?

He missed that Gun was frowning.

“Honestly, no.” Off’s eyes snapped up to Gun’s. “I don’t think I want you to use me as an experiment, Papii. Were you… were you going to kiss me?”

Off’s instinctive reaction was to pull back and deny everything, but that was even more confusing, because then he was disappointed at himself for ruining the moment. Did he want them to kiss? Was that what he really wanted to do?

He looked away, ashamed, and completely lost.

He looked at his hands, shoulders up and tense, shakily picking at the skin around his thumbnail. God, why was he trembling? What was wrong with him? He thought he was over this. This stupid fear. Why did it have to come back now?

“Um…” he knew his voice was quiet. “Maybe. Yeah.”

Gun froze for a moment, before slowly, deliberately, swinging his legs down so that he was sat next to Off.

“How long?” he asked, and however soft his voice was, Off nearly flinched.

“I don’t know,” he responded, feeling guilty for how inadequate an answer it was but really trying not to lie, to fall back into the things he told himself, which - whichever side his thoughts fell on - sometimes felt like the truth and sometimes felt like a lie. He really didn’t know. “I’m serious. I don’t know anything like that, Gun.”

“OK…” Gun said, and edged closer. Their thighs touched, and it felt like a strange mix of comfort and even more confusion to Off. Was he excited? Was he scared? Did he just want to run away? He still didn’t know. “Maybe that was the wrong question. When you looked at me just now… how did you feel then?”

“I was…” Off gulped. He had to tell the truth. The truth sounded incriminating, but maybe Gun could help explain it to him. Maybe he just needed to talk to him about it. “I was thinking about the last time we kissed for Theory of Love. I was thinking about a lot of things, but just before you woke up, I was thinking about… about the sounds you were making when I kissed you. And then, as you woke up… it sounded the same to me.”

Gun gave a soft little gasp, and just looked at Off for a few seconds, assessing the situation.

“You know how that sounds, right?”

“Of course I do,” Off responded, a little louder, notes of frustration in his tone. “I know what it sounds like. I know. But it doesn’t _feel_ that simple. It’s not, like… I don’t think I’m… like this.”

“Papii…” Gun said, his own voice a little shaky, probably also shocked. “It’s alright. I’m not going to label you as anything you don’t want, and I know this is hard for you to… to sort through or pin down, but I’m going to ask some questions to see if you can answer them, to see if that helps you. OK?”

“Mm.”

“Were there… times where you felt like you were more you than Khai?”

Off thought back. Yes, of course, especially when Gun broke character first - there was the time that Gun deadpanned ‘Rolex’ to him while they were filming the scene, and sometimes when they had to mess around like friends did it was easier to just mess around like they usually did, and… and… for the kiss… 

“I think, um,” he said, voice going quiet again, deliberately avoiding looking at Gun, although the kiss and the feeling that accompanied it was just playing over and over unavoidably in his head. “I think when I kissed you that last time, that might have been more me and you, than Khai and Third. Did you feel it?”

“Yeah,” Gun’s voice sounded a little choked-up. “Yeah, I felt it.”

“But…” Off said, and then paused for a few seconds. “I don’t know how much of it is real, and how much is more like… practice. Acting. I’ve been making myself feel these things towards you day after day until it became habit.” He swallowed. “You’re my boyfriend, basically. That’s how we live our lives, every day. And I really care about you.” He looked up at Gun at last, and found him looking back, his own facial expression mirrored there. “Maybe it’s not real? I don’t want to hurt you, or use you as an experiment. But that doesn’t change that I still don’t know what’s going on. What this all could be leading to. If anything at all.”

“Papii, P'Off,” Gun responded, emotional. “I feel like you’re my boyfriend, too.” A sheen of tears came over his eyes, just a little. “I care about you too, so, so much. Too much. For the longest time I’ve wanted to tell you that. I don’t know if me telling you so helps to clarify anything, a-and no pressure to respond right now, but… just know that it’s true. And if this is… really what I think it is, then... ”

Off’s heart certainly responded, but even though it was louder all of a sudden, it was still confusing. He still couldn't tell exactly what it was saying. He reached up to wipe away the tear that was beading at the corner of Gun’s eye with his thumb. And then just held his hand there, cradling that precious cheek in his palm. He looked at his friend - his boyfriend - and the pain in his eyes, and suddenly needed to do something to make that look on his face go away.

Off drew closer, and closer.

“I’m sorry,” Off murmured. “I just want to…”

He leant forward, and captured Gun’s lips against his own, feeling him gasp inwards at the contact.

He wasn’t a character this time. There were no cameras, no fans. Heck, they weren’t even drunk. But Off felt something swell inside his heart as their lips moved against each other and their tongues touched, and as Gun pushed back up into him, making a needy little noise into his mouth, Off felt something finally click into place inside his brain, felt that final barrier of denial start to dissolve away. Of course. This was his boyfriend. And not just for pretend, but his real-life, full-time boyfriend. And that boyfriend was Gun Attaphan. Hilarious, beautiful, prodigiously talented Gun Attaphan.

Perhaps when Khai felt like the luckiest man on earth to get to kiss these lips, that wasn’t Khai at all. Because Off felt the same, except even stronger, bond forged through years of being that person in each other’s lives, through those first moments and confrontations, by every time Off had gone the distance to remove one barrier, then another, then another, to allow him to finally feel like this. So many years, so much effort, and now… 

He barely managed to pull back for long enough to gasp out “Be my boyfriend?” and Gun’s answering noise of affirmation was cut off by Off kissing him deeply, giving an answering hum of happiness. He was grinning against Gun’s mouth, could feel the familiar body in his arms, could smell that familiar clean scent, couldn't get enough. And the feelings welling up within him, the way he felt that Gun was his and he was Gun’s, it made him sure at last.

It didn’t matter how it happened. It didn’t matter when. What mattered the most was that from that moment on, they could take those next steps together, and explore what it would mean for both of them to do so.

They’d reach the 100 metre mark. Together. After all, they were basically there already.


End file.
